Postpartum Isn’t All Joy — And That’s Okay
Society leads new parents to believe they should be enjoying every moment of parenthood. Well-meaning family and friends often ask, “Isn’t parenthood great?” But the truth is, postpartum emotions are complex. Whether this is your first child or you are a parent of multiples, introducing a new baby into your family may come with hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation and the mental load of caring for a newborn, making this time that much more challenging. If you have suffered a miscarriage or a stillbirth, this post is for you too. Struggling doesn’t mean your failing, it means you are human.
What is postpartum depression?
Postpartum depression is an umbrella phrase often used to describe all perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMAD’s). Some of these conditions include -
Anxiety
Intrusive Thoughts
Panic Attacks
OCD
Bipolar Disorder
Psychosis
Postpartum psychosis is a rare but serious condition, occurring in approximately 1-2 out of every 1,000 deliveries. Many women who experience postpartum psychosis may have underlying bipolar disorder.
Because the phrase “postpartum depression” is so commonly used, many people may not realize that postpartum anxiety is also a distinct and common experience. Instead, they may assume that their constant worry and fear about their baby is just part of being a “good parent.” In reality, these feelings can be signs of postpartum anxiety, intrusive thoughts or postpartum OCD.
Postpartum Emotions: It’s Okay to Feel It All
Many new parents are surprised to find that this season can bring joy and grief, love and frustration, excitement and exhaustion, all at the same time. You might feel an overwhelming love for your baby and also mourn the loss of your independence or your old self. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you a human navigating an enormous transition. Parenthood is not an “either/or” experience, it’s a constant dance between opposites, and both can be true.
What About Fathers, LGBTQ+ and Adoptive Families?
What’s often left out of the conversation is that these feelings don’t just affect birthing parents. Fathers and non-birthing partners can also experience postpartum depression, anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. LGBTQ+ parents and adoptive parents may face additional stressors, including navigating fertility treatments, adoption trauma, identity-based discrimination, or lack of representation in parenting spaces. Non-birthing partners in queer relationships may also feel left out or unsure of how to support or connect.
Studies show that 1 in 10 dads experience postpartum depression.
The stress of a new baby, sleep deprivation, financial concerns and the pressure to be a strong, supportive partner is no joke! Many fathers struggle in silence, dismissing their own symptoms, because they don’t believe they “should” be struggling. Just like with mothers, this isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a sign that support is needed.
Depression and anxiety in dads or non-birthing partners may not always look the way we expect. Instead of sadness or crying, symptoms may show up as -
Irritability or anger
Withdrawing from the family
Overworking or avoiding home
Physical complaints (headaches, stomach issues)
Risk-taking behaviors
Feelings of disconnection or helplessness
Men are often taught to “tough it out,” which means their symptoms can go unrecognized or dismissed. Just like any new parent, fathers, LGBTQ+ and adoptive families deserve mental health support that affirms their experience and validates the unique emotions that can come with welcoming a new child.
Red Flags: When to Reach Out for Help
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders are common and treatable. If you notice any of the following signs lasting longer than two weeks, it may be time to seek support -
Feeling persistently sad, hopeless, or numb
Difficulty bonding with your baby
Frequent irritability or rage
Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
Feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks
Panic attacks or racing thoughts
Withdrawing from loved ones
Trouble sleeping (even when the baby sleeps)
Feeling like you’re “not yourself”
You don’t have to wait for things to feel unmanageable. If something feels off, that’s reason enough to talk to someone.
Realistic Self-Care for New Parents
We’re not talking spa days or perfect morning routines. Realistic self-care might look like -
Eating a full meal sitting down (or at least a warm snack)
Taking a 10-minute walk or stretching while holding the baby
Asking a friend to come hold the baby while you shower
Turning off your phone for 20 minutes
Saying no to plans that feel draining
Crying and not apologizing for it
Going to bed early without folding the laundry
Self-care is anything that helps you feel more like yourself again, even if it’s tiny.
If This Resonates With You, You Are Not Alone
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders affect 1 in 5 birthing people and that number doesn’t include partners or adoptive parents. You don’t have to pretend you’re fine. You don’t have to go through this alone. If you’re struggling, reaching out for support is one of the bravest things you can do - for yourself and your child/ren.
Local Resources for New Parents in Petaluma
We are lucky that Petaluma has some amazing resources available to new parents. If you aren’t already connected, check out:
If you’re looking for more in-depth support from a therapist who understands the emotional ups and downs of new parenthood, I’m here. Whether you're navigating anxiety, grief, identity shifts, or simply need a space to feel seen, this work is my passion. I offer both in-person and virtual therapy for individuals and couples throughout California. You don’t have to do this alone. Reach out to schedule a free consultation.
I’m also currently hosting a free 6-week new parent support group in Petaluma for parents with babies under 12 months. It’s a warm, welcoming space to connect with others who get it. Click here to learn more and sign up.