When “Just Have Fun Trying” Isn’t Helpful - IVF, Loss and What to Say (Or Not to Say)

If you’re in the middle of IVF, you’re probably exhausted – in every sense of the word.

 You might be aching for a pregnancy that hasn’t happened yet. You might be grieving a pregnancy that you lost. You may be covered in bruises from hormone injections, silently negotiating with your body, please work this time. And while you are cutting out caffeine, swapping out your skincare products, eating organic and trying to limit your micro plastic exposure , someone says it -

“Just relax and have fun trying!” 

Your body fills with rage.

Maybe you’re approaching, or have already passed, the so-called “dreaded” age of 35, now labeled as a geriatric pregnancy. Meanwhile, it feels like everyone around you is getting pregnant without even trying, leaving you wondering, Why is this so hard for me?

The Emotional Impact of IVF and Fertility Treatments

Let’s be honest, there is nothing fun about tracking ovulation to the minute or about having sex with a purpose. When the activity that you and your partner so enjoyed together in the past , has now become a that chore neither of you want to do, there is no fun in trying. There is nothing fun about icing your stomach after another round of hormone injections. IVF is a full-time job, layered on top of your actual full-time job. It’s costly, it’s lonely. And if asks everything of you, your body, your mind, your relationship, your bank account.

What to Say (Or Not to Say) to Someone Going Through IVF

If you’ve been at this long enough, you’ve probably heard –

• “At least you know you can get pregnant”

• “Just relax and it will happen”

• “Everything happens for a reason”

You may have smiled, or cringed, or cried in your car. You are not alone and your feelings are valid. Here are some responses to keep in your pocket when the comments start coming –

When someone says, “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

• “Pregnancy doesn’t always lead to a healthy baby, but I appreciate your attempt to comfort me.”

When someone says, “Just relax and it will happen.”

• “Relaxation can help with stress, but it doesn’t treat infertility. I know you mean well, though.”

When someone says “God doesn’t give you what you can’t handle.”

• “I know you are trying to support me, but that doesn’t feel helpful right now”

Book Recommendations for Coping with Infertility and IVF 

Infreakinfertility: How to Survive When Getting Pregnant Gets Hard by Melanie Dale

This book is funny and painfully honest, exactly what you might need when dealing with shots combined with insensitive advice. If you want something that feels like a heart to heart with a friend who’s been there, this is the one.

Pregnancy After Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Loss by Carol Cirulli Lanham

This one isn’t IVF-specific, but it’s one I recommend as a therapist. It includes thoughtful self-care plans for the days leading up to ultrasounds, navigating medical anxiety, and coping through each stage of pregnancy after loss.

If you’ve been through heartbreak before and are pregnant (or trying again), this book can help you feel less alone, more grounded, and supported, especially during the moments when fear feels louder than hope.

The Trying Game: Get Through Fertility Treatment and Get Pregnant Without Losing Your Mind by Amy Klein

This book is written by a health and fertility columnist who also shares her personal journey through IVF, miscarriages, and the emotional rollercoaster of trying to conceive. This book is incredibly relatable and is perfect for someone who wants to feel seen while also getting grounded information.

Take a Deep Breath – You’re Doing Something Really Hard

Before you click away, try this –

Put one hand on your chest and one hand on your belly.

• Inhale through your nose for 2–4 seconds
  Exhale gently through your mouth for 4–6 seconds

The key is simply that the exhale is longer than the inhale.

Again, and again.

Whether you are desperately trying to get pregnant “the natural way,” grieving a pregnancy loss, in the thick of fertility treatments or feeling hopeful, you deserve support that meets you where you are, not where people think you should be.

If you are looking for a therapist who understands the messy, beautiful, complicated parts of this journey, I’d be honored to walk with you.

I offer in-person sessions in Petaluma, CA and virtual therapy across California. Let’s talk when you are ready.